It's way too easy to fake that smile

I've been on a winding mountain road of emotion lately. (There's no way to describe your emotions generally without sounding cheesy and cliche.) Just when I get comfortable with one thing, there's a sharp curve and a steep incline to test my engine. Every once in a while I just have to pull over and look under the hood to see if I'm really gonna make it to the other side. Some nights I just run out of gas, like last night. I treat my life like I treat a squeaky wheel though, I just turn up the music so loud that I can't hear it. Eventually that wheel's gonna fall off, but I'd rather ignore it for now and keep enjoying the ride. When the music shuts off though, that's all I can hear. The squeaky realization that something isn't right and I should have done something about it a long time ago before I was on this deserted road with no service station for miles. Luckily someone just happened to be traveling the same road in the dark with me and helped me put that squeak to rest for a while longer.

Or did she? As down as I was feeling last night, I felt better by the time I came home. I was back in my seat of complacency, ready to eat a hot pocket and go to bed watching Curb Your Enthusiasm. I don't even know what it was that set me off yesterday. There was nothing bad that happened, but when I got onto high street and started walking around it just hit me. I was looking at all the places I had been and thinking about people. We walked by the Oarhouse and Dave's old house, which made me think I'm going nowhere in life. I know I'm working on my degree but I'm twenty four and Dave has live on his own for years and owns a house now. I try to make myself feel better by thinking about the people I know with bachelor's degrees that don't have real jobs or live out of their parent's house yet but it still doesn't help. I realize I don't do anything to better my situation. Right now I should be filling out a FAFSA and looking for loans because half of my school payment is due in less than three weeks. I don't want to fuck this up, I need to go to school and get it over with.

Sometimes I miss what I had. Or could have. But it's not worth it anymore is it? I think I kept it going for so long because I thought one day I would lose the desire to be with anyone else and things would be perfect. It was such a domestic existence a lot of the time, I'm surprised I was so okay with living it. But I was. I didn't mind just sitting around watching movies as long as we got to go on a trip every now and then. I don't know if it's fear of commitment or if it really is just that we're not right for each other, but it always seemed weird to be away for too long. I felt like this time I could really be comfortable being away from her and maybe I can but there are moments like these when I miss that touch. It's a feeling that I haven't gotten from anyone else. It feels good, just happy. It feels like joy, as corny as that sounds. Laying with someone else in bed never felt anything like it. We just fit. Even after everything sexual, I still wanted to be there. Just sleeping with her was always great. Not that I don't miss the sexual stuff too, because that was always incredible. I would think there has to be something with someone that you have so much sexual chemistry with. Maybe it's because it's been so long we just have each other figured out, but everything was always perfect and amazing. That must count for something, right?

So why am I so conflicted? I am immature. Little things set me off. If there's an argument, I don't usually make the first move, I wait. And if a move from them never comes, I go on. That's who I am. For better or worse. Or worse. I'm just afraid that by the time I figure out who I really am and what I really want, there won't be anyone around to share it with.