I didn't know that it was so cold there

Picture of the day. It looks so nice on the other side of those bars but I just can't break through them. It's been an interesting few days. I felt amazing today for some reason. I want to attribute it to all the exercise I did yesterday, thereby reinforcing my will to do it. I have the will actually, just not the time (at least the hours that the gym decides to be open on weekends.) Anyway it was an ups and downs weekend. A weekend of learning things and finding out things I didn't want to know. About myself and others. This doesn't mean as much as you think it does.

"I'm sinking slowly so hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me so I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone

If you want to, I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside, so busy out there
And all you wanted was somebody who cares..."
~Michelle Branch

I'm not listening

It was a warm day, unfortunately spent mostly inside. Work then class. It's nice outside still and it's after midnight. I love the warm nights. They are really my favorite thing, being able to be outside when it's night time with a t-shirt on. I was feeling weird this afternoon. I couldn't wait to have a few drinks and chill out. Lots of mellow music as I walked around campus thinking. Music really brings back memories and conjures up new feelings that I don't understand some of the time. I had a nice reprieve for a while tonight with some friends but now I feel strange again and listening to The Used is making some strange thoughts come up. I'll just go to bed. That's my quick fix.

"Lights out! I can't stand to hear you scream
While we were making love I was fast asleep
If your heart's still beating it must be the blood
If your lungs are still working it must be the mud
If its still light out than a kick in the ribs
And today's worth living, it probably is..."
~The Used

Pull myself together, let it out

Pictures of the days. The ski weekend went well. It was fun to be away, even though it seemed to go by really quickly. We skiied, played games and just had a good time. Time is so strangely elastic like that. When I'm working, time goes by so slowly but when you're having a good time, it passes by so fast. I'd like to take a week or more and be able to go away with some of my friends. It would be great to be able to just hang out and not have to worry about waiting for someone to get done work or get back from school. I'm looking forward to the summer, hopefully more trips and shows for the band. Yes, the warm weather is best.

"Photographs of our best moments
make me such a mess
I need to pull myself together and
let it out..."
~New Found Glory

I'm always coming down from the night before....

Picture of the day. It's hard to find the beauty in a place where you spend most of your days going to class. I do enjoy a lot of my time at Rowan, however. It is so much better than Cumberland County College, there are no words to describe it. The people, professors and students, the classes in general and just the atmosphere of academia. It's nice. I can have a regular conversation with my professors because they are closer to my age. I even have a good relationship with professors that I had the past two semesters. I just talked to one of them today and it just made me happy that we can talk like friends.

You can just stop talkin', I get it

Picture of the day. Not so great but this is pretty much what the day was about. It was an official snow day! Rowan closed its campus in Glassboro for the whole day, making three weeks in a row that I didn't go to my wednesday night ethics class! She cancelled the first week and last week it was snowy and we didn't feel like going up since our other class was cancelled and this week it's a snow day! We're never going to go to that class. Snow days have a connotation of fun that I suppose was instilled in elementary school. No school means we're going out to build snowmen, have snowball fights, go sledding and then drink hot chocolate. Well, we did a few of those things at least. Now we replace hot chocolate with beer though. The feeling of the snow day is just as good though because you get to sleep in and then wake up and have fun. I mean, it would probably be more prudent to use the time off to catch up on work that we are behind on but hey.. I want a damn snow day. And I got one.

"You can just stop talkin', I get it
I hear your silence loud and clear
I know it's barely a thought but it'll see us through
I'm only settin' you free so just let it happen
Let it happen, no need to fear
Yeah, you can just stop talkin', I get it.."
~Plus 44

Where did I go wrong?

Picture of the day. It was all snow all day today. It didn't stick for the first twelve hours but when it started, it really came down. It piled up really fast. It was just starting when I went to take a math test and it was piled high when I got done. Everything piles up fast like that. You put off hanging out hanging out with a friend every now and then, before you know it, it's been years. So much happens so quickly and you really see that from a different perspective when you talk to someone that you haven't seen in a long time. Things change and people go on when you're not there. They might be out of sight for a while, but one day unexpectedly they show up like the snow and bring some happy memories along with them. Go play in the snow.

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life..."
~The Fray

So I finally decided to give myself a reason

Picture of the day. The weather was great out today but I had to miss it because I was in school of one form or another all day. I've always had a hard time weighing the benefits of sacrificing life in the present to ensure better life down the road. Maybe that has a lot to do with my strange feeling that I wouldn't live too long. I think I've already outlived my expectations, maybe that's why I feel so lost about what I'm doing; I didn't think I'd have to figure it out. That probably sounds weird. Anyway, I'm here and trying to work toward something while not letting too much of life go by in the process. Maybe it's too late for that, but I can't give up now even if it seems like a lost cause. I hope I can be content and happy one day with what I'm doing in life. It's hard for me to picture myself in the places I'd like to be.

"It's a night of many frightening things to take in
It's not the way we please ourselves or our friends
It's what we won't accept
It's what will scare us now
Is ourselves, it's ourselves"
~I Can Make a Mess Like Nobody's Business

I've never lived closer to danger, but I've never felt safer

Picture of the day. It was a beautiful day out. The sun was out, no clouds and the temperature was up to at least 50. It was nice walking outside with a t-shirt on and driving for a short time with the windows cracked. As much as I like skiing, I could do without the cold. I would just take vacations to the cold places to go skiing and enjoy the warmth for the rest of the year.

The snow was mostly melted today. The weather warmed up and so did everything else just like I planned. Going to sleep seems like a passive solution to things, but it's really just a good way to calm down. It works for me at least. I can be really worked up about something and I don't really have any other way to feel better about it.. for the most part. So going to sleep, which is sometimes hard to do when you're upset, seems to work. I wake up and it's like nothing ever happened. This only works for the "small" things, by the way. A lot of things are still there when you wake up.

Today I watched Pride and Glory. I pretty much like to watch anything with Ed Norton in it because I know it will be good. This was no exception. It's a great cop movie. It's a great action movie. Things jump off pretty quickly and they don't really stop. It moves fast but you feel like you know the characters right away. It put me in the mood for more movies like Lucky Number Slevin and Snatch even though they're not the same.

I watched Green Street Hooligans last week. It was a great movie about a kid who gets expelled from Harvard and falls in with a football firm in London, learning things he never did at his Ivy League school. More than that, he gains a sense of belonging and loyalty. Definitely something to check out if you haven't seen it.

Matt Buckner: "Once you've taken a few punches and realize you're not made of glass, you don't feel alive unless you're pushing yourself as far as you can go."

If home is where the heart is then we're all just fucked

Pictures of the day. Crazy awesome sunset at Union Lake today on the way home. It was cold all day. Very cold. I was out in it a lot today between disc golf and taking pictures.

I got to the lake at just the perfect time as this was happening. I forgot my tiny tripod again but luckily it was light enough to get some good shots without it.

The outdoors wasn't the only place I got the cold shoulder tonight.. That wasn't very good, but neither was what it's referring to. It's stupid. It's all better now, or I hope so anyway. Halfway to AC we turned around and came back. Side of the road. Flashers. State Trooper. Colder inside than out.. both ways I guess. It's warming up again though. Let's keep the heat on for a while.

PS... I'm ready for spring to come back already.

"And I want it so bad I'd shoot the sunshine into my veins
I can't remember
the good old days...."
~Fall Out Boy